Understanding and Applying Assertive Communication
If you think about it logically, when someone says or does something we dislike, or when someone asks us to do something we don’t wish to do, we have three possible responses to choose from:
We can respond with passivity, such that our primary aim is to avoid conflict.
In other words, we can stay silent when others hurt or offend us or those we care about. Or we can get a case of the “Okie-Dokes” and acquiesce to doing things that we don’t wish or have time to do. Often this leads us to wear ourselves thin in the process. Often those who respond consistently in a passive fashion have difficulty getting their needs met. They have a diminished sense of self-control over their lives, and they may even be reinforcing a negative self-view. This makes sense when one considers the message that passivity sends to oneself. Namely, that one isn’t important or doesn’t matter as much as others. Moreover, passivity often results in others having less respect for us, as we’re seen as meek or “a pushover.” Even worse, passivity can often result in the “teakettle effect.” That is, bottling up resentment after resentment until we finally blow. This is often found when individuals begin setting boundaries with family for example.
Sometimes, we can respond with aggression, which involves the intent of controlling, dominating, or hurting others.
This might take the form of:
raising one’s voice and yelling
issuing demands or ultimatums
being condescending or abusive
and even getting threatening or combative.
Incidentally, passive-aggression still falls into this category, as the intent of it is to punish others for not giving into certain desired behaviors. Although aggression often gets people what they’re seeking in the short-term, it can backfire in a whole host of ways, such as relationship and job damage, loss of self-respect, subsequent feelings of guilt, and possibly even legal consequences.
We can respond with assertiveness,
Assertiveness is the aim of getting our needs met while respecting others and phrasing things in a manner that keeps others from becoming defensive. This can take the form of:
saying “no” to unwanted or unreasonable requests
setting boundaries with family, friends, and others
maintaining healthy boundaries with others
speaking up on behalf of ourselves and others.
Counter-intuitively, this often leads others to respect us more (even if we’re turning down requests), because it signals to them that we take ourselves and our needs seriously.
How Can These Assertiveness Skills Help Us Communicate and Begin Setting Boundaries with Family, Friends, and Colleagues?
Clearly, of the three possible response styles, assertiveness has the most going for it. It gets us what we need without creating damage in the process. That said, of the three responses mentioned, it’s also the hardest to pull off well. Frankly, passivity and aggression aren’t terribly hard. They don’t require much in the way of creativity or pre-planning. In contrast, assertiveness requires skill, diplomacy, and tact. If you have a tendency toward passivity, assertiveness requires getting out of your comfort zone and speaking boldly even when anxious. If you have a tendency toward aggression, it requires monitoring and regulating feelings of anger, channeling these into a more thoughtful and helpful approach. For those without much experience communicating assertively, it helps a lot to get coaching from an online therapist in Ohio. Additionally, you need to practice, practice, practice.
How Can Online Therapy in Ohio Help You With Assertive Communication Skills?
As an online therapist in Ohio, I love working with clients to improve on assertive communication skills. Often this begins by taking an honest assessment of one’s communication style and then practicing specific skills and techniques that promote assertiveness. It can be a pretty empowering thing when clients develop the ability to get their needs met without alienating others or hurting themselves! If you’re ready to begin therapy, I can help. Get in touch with me, an online therapist who offers a wide variety of services at Ascend Psychological Services in Cinncinati, OH. To get started with your therapy journey follow these simple steps:
Meet with your skilled and caring online therapist
Get support from the safety of your own space!
Other Services at Ascend Psychological Services
On top of offering support for depression, life transitions, online therapy, insomnia, grief, anxiety, psychological assessments, couples, PTSD treatment, and trauma therapy, I offer many treatment approaches to support you. Treatment modalities that, I offer to include CBT therapy, prolonged exposure, written exposure therapy, accelerated resolution therapy, cognitive processing therapy, and person-centered approaches among many more. When you’re ready to begin services, I am here to support you.